Confessions of Sai
by Starlight Rose
Summary: On the four year anniversary of Sai's disappearance, Hikaru finally tells Akira about Sai.


Confessions of Sai  
  
By: Starlight Rose  
  
Email: starlighto_rose@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimers: Hikaru no Go belongs to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi. I am just an obsessed fangirl borrowing their characters. The story title is taken from the anime as well.  
  
A.N. I've been watching Hikago the anime and reading the manga and the part where Hikaru said he would tell Akira someday had been bugging me because I felt that he needed to tell Akira. So I wrote my own version of it. Ahh...the wonders of one parters. So much easier than series.  
  
*********  
  
Hikaru stared at the night sky as he walked along the deserted streets of Hiroshima. It was already almost 1:00 AM but he felt restless and couldn't get to sleep. Tomorrow would be the four year anniversary of Sai's disappearance. It was a very fortunate coincidence that Hikaru was in Hiroshima, the place where Sai had so many fond memories of Torajima. He and several other pros had been called to teach and play at a festival celebrating Shuusaku's birthday. His responsibilities to his job were only for the morning though. In the afternoon he could do as he wished and Hikaru planned on making full use of his time to visit all the Shuusaku sites that four years earlier he had sped through in search of Sai. Sai was gone now, but he lived on in Hikaru's Go and Hikaru felt a need to be reminded of his friend and mentor.  
  
As a nearby clock struck the hour, Hikaru sighed and turned to go back to his hotel room. He would have a busy morning tomorrow and he needed his rest. As he quietly opened up the room to his hotel room, trying not to disturb Touya Akira who was also at the event and sharing a room, with him, he noticed the room's lights were still on. Touya was still awake and as he opened up the door he could hear the sounds of Touya jumping up from a chair.  
  
"Where the hell have you been Shindou! It's almost 1:30!" Akira shouted at his rival.  
  
"I couldn't sleep so I decided to go take a walk. What's it to you?" Hikaru asked tiredly.  
  
"You idiot! Don't you know how dangerous it is to walk around this late at night! You're not exactly low-profile either! You're one of the top challengers for the Ouza title! Something could have happened to you.! What then, huh?!?" Akira screamed annoyed at Shindou's calm manner.  
  
Hikaru blinked staring at the other young man. Touya had been the one to pull him into the world of Go. Sai had introduced him but it was Touya who had motivated him and spurred him to the successes he had accomplished. Chasing after Touya had pulled him fully into the world of Igo. Touya was his eternal rival and as such Hikaru accorded the other young man much respect.   
  
"Hey Touya, are we friends?" Hikaru asked suddenly after Touya had finished his rant.  
  
Shindou's question caught Akira off-guard. They were rivals he was sure of that, but were they friends? He thought back to the many years he had known Shindou and their relationship . They bickered like children and they competed against each other vigorously, but through it all they maintained a connection and a comraderie that couldn't be described as anything other than friendship. Akira realized with a start that somehow through the competition and rivalry the two had become best friends. "Of course we are you idiot!" Akira finally replied.   
  
The dark-haired boy was rather disturbed by the question and Shindou's mood as of the last day. Shindou had been much more reserved and pensive than the green-eyed young man was wont to be. Akira wondered if something was bothering the other young man. "Shindou...is something wrong?"  
  
Hikaru thought about Touya's hesitant question for a second. He had once said to Touya that he would tell him someday. Maybe someday had finally come. Touya might not believe him, but what harm would there be in at least trying to tell him. "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" Hikaru asked.  
  
"Stop changing the subject! If you don't want to talk about it just say so, but don't expect me to ask again." Akira told the other before turning around and stomping over to his bed.  
  
"I wasn't changing the subject! Would you just answer the question and I'll tell you! Arrogant jerk!" Hikaru shouted back.  
  
"Fine! I'm not doing anything tomorrow afternoon. Why?"  
  
"Then come with me. I'm going to be visiting some Shuusaku sites. You've probably seen them all before and I've been to them before but never took the time to enjoy seeing them."  
  
"Actually...I haven't seen them yet and that was my plan for tomorrow too.." Akira admitted.  
  
"Huh...that's surprising. I would have thought you of all people would have visited all the important historical Go sites." Hikaru said.  
  
"I was always too busy to and Hiroshima is a good four hours away by train. But what does that have to do with what's bugging you?"  
  
"I'll tell you tomorrow. Can we just call it a night?" Hikaru said pulling off his jacket and shoes before walking to his bed.  
  
"Fine!" Akira replied and got on his own bed.  
  
*********  
  
The next day found the two young men walking out of their hotel carrying their overnight bags over their shoulders. "So which place should we go first?" Hikaru asked.  
  
"How about Shuusaku's home?" Akira suggested.  
  
"Alright." Hikaru replied. The two boys walked in silence for a few minutes before Hikaru asked the other, "Hey Touya, do you remember our first match together after I became a pro?"  
  
"Yes, I do." Akira replied, his curiosity perked because he remembered that day and the Go the two played that day quite clearly.  
  
"You said then 'There is another person inside of you,' and then said, 'All you are is the Go you play.' I said back then that I would tell you someday." Hikaru recalled quietly. It was that statement that made Hikaru want to tell Touya everything, because Touya would understand.  
  
"Shindou...what I said back then...I meant it. All you are is the Go you play. If you don't want to tell me, I won't mind...too much."  
  
"No. I want to tell you. I think you and probably your father and maybe Ogata-sensei are the people that deserve to know the truth about me...about Sai the most." Hikaru told his rival waiting for Touya's reaction at the mention of Sai.  
  
"Sai?!? So you do know Sai!" Akira exclaimed. Shindou had definitely captured his attention.  
  
"If I tell you though, I won't make you promise to believe me because it's rather hard to believe, but promise me you'll let me tell you it all and explain it."  
  
Akira glanced at the other suspiciously. "Who was Sai, Shindou? Many called Sai the 'God of Igo.' I don't think Sai was that, but why is there so much mystery surrounding Sai and you? And why aren't you making me promise not to tell anyone? Aren't you afraid of being exposed?"  
  
"Not really. I trust you and it doesn't matter anymore. Sai is gone." Hikaru said sadly.  
  
"Sai, gone?" Akira asked amazed. The legendary Net player that defeated even his father in an even match was gone? Akira felt the lose strongly and knew that had the rest of the Go world known they would feel the same.  
  
"He disappeared this day four years ago. He could be a pain sometimes but he was my best friend. When you're around someone all the time, you take their presence for granted until they're gone. I learned that lesson the hard way." Hikaru reflected sadly.  
  
"Shindou...who was Sai?" Akira tried to ask the question gently, but he knew he had to ask it directly.  
  
"Fujiwara no Sai was a ghost." Hikaru stated.  
  
Akira stood silently for a minute before exploding, "Cut the crap Shindou! Ghosts don't exist! Tell me the truth or don't tell me anything at all and I'll figure it out on my own!"  
  
"Ghosts do exist! Sai was a ghost!" Hikaru yelled back thankful that no one was around to hear. "Remember that first game we played? Sai played that game, not me. Sai also played our second game together, but the game at the Junior High Go Tournament, Sai played the first part, but I played the second. You thought I was messing around with you back then, but the person you were chasing was Sai and not me."  
  
Everything Shindou said slowly sunk into Akira's brain. Akira remembered well how Shindou, who could not even hold the Go stones correctly and claimed it was his first time playing, easily   
  
defeated him. Back then Akira didn't know what to make of it and even after when Shindou had started chasing him those earlier matches haunted him. When Sai appeared on the the internet, Akira felt that Sai was the same as the early Hikaru. His instincts were correct, though until now what they were telling him was illogical and Akira was nothing if not logical. But even as enlightening as the explanation was, it still was unbelievable. Ghost don't really exist...do they?  
  
"Alright Shindou, let's pretend that I believe you. I'm not saying that I do, but it would explain some things how did it happen? How did you manage to meet at ghost?" Akira questioned staring intently into Shindou's eyes.  
  
"Will you let me talk without interrupting then if I tell you?" Hikaru asked eyeing the other boy suspiciously.  
  
"Probably not. I'll try to not interrupt you but I reserve the right to ask questions." Akira replied.  
  
"Close enough." Hikaru said rolling his eyes. Hikaru then proceeded to tell Touya about Sai and his time with Sai. He told him everything as the two of them toured the Shuusaku sites and Hikaru sadly looked at everything that had so much sentimental value to his old friend.  
  
Akira watched as his rival and friend touched and looked at everything involving Shuusaku, Sai's former occupant. He absorbed what the other young man said intently only interrupting occasionally to ask for clarifications on events that he had witnessed especially Sai's games with his father. Although the Shindou Akira chased no longer existed, Akira found himself with a new measure of respect for the Shindou that stood before him now. To have progressed so far in so little time even with the help of a master Go player like Sai was incredible. He truly comprehended his rival's genius and believed that Shindou could attain the "Hand of God" that both Sai and his father had been trying to attain. But he knew that he would not let Shindou attain it alone. He would improve himself to match pace with Shindou.  
  
"It was four years ago today that Sai disappeared. He had been telling me that he would disappear but I refused to believe him. I thought he would be by my side until the day I died. After he disappeared, I searched everywhere for him. I went to my grandfather's loft and to all these Shuusaku sites we visited today, but I couldn't find him." Hikaru finished as he knelt before Shuusaku's grave and prayed for Sai's soul.  
  
Akira stood before Shuusaku's grave with Shindou and thought back to four years ago and wondered how his friend felt to lose someone so important to him. Instinctively Akira knew how Shindou felt. It would probably be the same he would feel if Shindou disappeared. Akira didn't know how it came to be, but Shindou had become a part of his life and he knew that something important would be missing from his life if Shindou had never entered it or suddenly disappeared.  
  
"Four years ago around now...that was when you stopped going to your games and said you wouldn't play anymore. You never told anyone why and it bothered me a lot back then but I let it go when you came back. Was this the reason why?" Akira asked as they left Shuusaku's grave. It was the last site and it was getting towards late evening and Akira was feeling the first pangs of hunger and by the loud growl Shindou's stomach gave he was sure his friend was hungry too.  
  
"You hungry?" Hikaru asked as his stomach gave a loud growl. "Let's go for some ramen. I'll treat you as thanks for listening to me babble."  
  
"Shindou treat? This is a rare occasion. I am a bit hungry though you haven't answered my question yet." Akira said calmly although he smiled inwardly at Shindou's behavior. This was more like the exuberant boy he knew and he was almost reluctant to bring back the other boy's sadness but he needed to know the answers.  
  
"Yeah...I thought then that if I stopped playing that Sai would come back, but he didn't. It wasn't until I played again that I found Sai again."  
  
"Why did you start playing again. I tried to get you to play again but it failed." Akira said sad that he hadn't been enough to get Shindou to start playing again.  
  
"Isumi-san came back from China and asked to play me again since our game during the pro exams did not go well. It ended with his resignation when he placed his stone in the wrong place and tried to move it. For his sake I played again. As we played he played a hand that Sai would play and I knew that that was the only way I would find Sai again. He was in my Go. So I resolved to play thousands of game against everyone so Sai would always be with me." Hikaru answered looking for his rival's reaction and noticed a bit of hurt on the other boy's face.  
  
It had been someone else that brought Shindou back and that hurt Akira that it couldn't have been him, but Shindou had come back to Go and that was all that mattered. "This finally explains why you were so obsessed with defeating Ko Yangha to make him take back what he said about Shuusaku. I had wondered why you were so intent on Shuusaku. I knew you admired him but the way you acted went beyond admiration."  
  
"Yeah...I couldn't let that jerk get away with saying that about Shuusaku...about Sai." Hikaru stated forcefully.  
  
"Well you did finally defeat him at the next Hokuto Cup tournament so, you can be satisfied."  
  
Hikaru nodded. "I will never let anyone disgrace Shuusaku's or Sai's memory."  
  
Akira stared at his rival's determination and smiled. "For you and for Sai, I won't either, but to do that we both need to get stronger." 


End file.
